Full circle with a twist

Old habits die hard … as we go through life and discover new horizons there are always going to be moments of idleness, moments where the fabric of time gets bent and takes us back to a point where we in a split second seem to re-live the past in one way or another.

Love, sadness, joy and happiness … it all comes back some-times as a reminder of what we did well and what we didn’t do so well. Does one have control of these flashes? Do they serve as reminders of what to do and what not to do in the future or are they a mere indication that most things in life seem to be passable in one way or another and no matter how deep the scar … it does heal but the mark there remains so we know we did do something …
In a world comprised of mere technicalities and ‘live for the moment’ mottos it seems as a un-wanted distraction, but he who does not learn history needs to repeat it … and that surely doesn’t lead to progress.

So here I am again … in a way back at a familiar (if not exactly the same) starting point but in totally different circumstances and with a lot of scars to reference back to … will I do better? Will I have the same determination? Will the same old problems creep-up?

One thing I know is that accidents like that just don’t happen … being in the right moment in the right place does not come by coincidence … I have the chance to do it better this time around … and I will

Ablaze

Ravenous fires overshadowing my sanity
Known from the past yet ineffable at this very moment
Fluctuating from one end of the spectrum to the other
I feel consumed by seamless eternity with every passing instant

Forever caught in this dependence
I beg hopelessly for a saviour
Unfathomable is the bliss I feel close to you
Agonizing is the desolation I feel apart from you

Feelings like volcanoes awaiting their turn to erupt
Spontaneous words that must go unspoken
Sweet bliss or torture, the difference is invisible
Raging madness that I cannot express

I die a little with every passing moment unaided
Yet I come alive beyond portrayal with you together
Endless moments with and without you
Relativity that I cannot define ......

... just a sonnet ...

Long-felt desires, hopes as long as vain--
sad sighs--slow tears accustomed to run sad
into as many rivers as two eyes could add,
pouring like fountains, endless as the rain--
cruelty beyond humanity, a pain
so hard it makes compassionate stars go mad
with pity: these are the first passions I've had.
Do you think love could root in my soul again?
If it arched the great bow back again at me,
licked me again with fire, and stabbed me deep
with the violent worst, as awful as before,
the wounds that cut me everwhere would keep
me shielded, so there would be no place free
for love. It covers me. It can pierce no more.

Bright Eyes ...

Well, the future spills its intangibles
An unknown set of variables
A path that spliten infinitely up ahead
So tell me what's the use to pick and choose
From what you should or shouldn't do?
That's time spent better sleeping in your bed
Or wide awake in a shopping mall, trying clothes on from off of the wall
Yeah, anything to entertain yourself
'Cause a costume can be comfortable
It can make you feel more beautiful
It can even make you look like someone else
But it's still you, so there's nothing you can do
Like a bad habit, the one you couldn't kick, there it always is
And it's nothing that no doctor's gonna fix

They pat your back bruised with their accolades
And all four walls are a trophy case
But that doesn't make it any less of a cage
But you can make it all less difficult
By embracing the ephemeral
Then you'd never have to worry or explain
'Cause if it's really all just physical, then my memory's immaterial
So why then do I remember you at all?
But I do, I do, my friend, I seen your face
We shared a cup, I know the taste
Its sweetness is relentless on my lips
So help me drink in everything that is
Like a freed convict, drunk on redemption
From the way I've been
But I swear this time, that things will be different

Well, right and wrong, they have never been that far apart
For those who'd write that sentence where you hang
We will be lifted up from all of this
Yeah, we will transcend the insignificance of our existence
Yeah, your body's gone, but angel, you will live ...

Love Questions

Is love by itself enough to sustain us? Is love by itself enough to keep two people together? Is love without reservations (which can border on insanity) an act of stupidity or desperateness for it seems it is quite rarely (or dare I say never) reciprocated back with the same intensity?

But how do you love someone with reservations? Or expect additional benefits on top of love? No one knows what tomorrow brings so one has to wonder what imbeciles hold on to the hope of security, stability, and inertness when it all comes and goes. Is this conditional love real or just an extension of our needs and wants?

How on earth do you prove to someone that you love them? By doing what pleases them while abating your own self? By being a timid little mouse who waits patiently for a bread crumb to fall off the table? By clinging to the absolutely unrealistic expectations that you will be loved back the same way you love.


… real love is unconditional and constant … it knows no boundaries or has expectations … it does not judge you by attainment or affluence … and it is enough, it always has been for the ones who really know how to love

Crossroads

Here I am again at the crossroads of this pitiful existence called life. How ironic - for I did everything right, I followed the rules, I was committed, dedicated, goal orientated and where did it get me – nowhere. And still the persistence of this feeling that I should do the right thing yet again is almost unbearable. The crossroads seem to be intercepting deep inside my soul and flowing into paths unknown for I haven’t made the choice yet.

Procrastination can sometimes be as comfy a mothers womb, but the inevitability of the emergence from there is so real and so uncomfortable that it tears every nerve synapse into a new formation with such force that you can almost feel your brain oscillating from the sensation.

I’m enjoying my solitude – it is hypocritical to say but all these sensations make me enjoy the pain in a way that that I have never been able to do so before. My thoughts fly from one side of the scale to the other in a split second but I am not loosing the balance, instead I feel that my innermost self resonates with the universe as one. And why do all these people around me want me to take the path that feels right for them I do not know. I am at the cross-roads – not them – who the hell do they think they are, why does every one have an all knowing perception but me. Am I to repeat all the mistakes of the past in the future – maybe, who knows – I might be some sort of twisted sadomasochistic pain junkie who can’t get enough of it?

Still I will decide my path for I will be the one who has to live with it, me and only me. How real is it? I do not know – the universe is real yet so intangible, why does my path need to be real? What is real anyway? Life, dreams, love, faith – has anyone ever touched those? Even the ones who are convinced they live in reality?

Why on earth do my targets need to be tangible? I have tried tangible – didn’t like it, why should I taste it again – so it leaves some more bitter-sweet taste in my mouth that doesn’t seem to fade?

I don’t agree with this life, not from the perspective that it’s not fair – that is a fact. Life seems like an endless un-winnable struggle for those who chose to go head on. What’s wrong with floating with the waves – that every single other person who is loosing the battle with the current will argue that you’re wrong, that’s about it. Fools – that’s what I call them for I used to be one of them.

History shouldn’t be repeated – even the fools will agree with me on that one – so where to from here? Hell? Heaven? Back at the starting line? If I only knew I will be able to tell you the secrets of life as well, but I feel lost and while it was easy to live like a fool for you had a singular task in life – to survive – this is a nightmare and a pleasant dream at the same time and I am procrastinating for it feels so gratifying to have unlimited number of options and if you could only try each one of those once and come back here to pick again it would be the most fulfilling life anyone has ever lived.


Reality bites in all the wrong places when you haven’t fully considered the consequences of your actions. And how do you consider your choices?

If you knew you had only one day to live – what would you do, who would you spend it with? This by far has to be the best definition on what is actually of paramount importance in one’s life and how you should live your life in order to be happy every day.

Dreams ...

We live in a real world, that much we're all aware, but does that make dreams something beyond our reach for they are not neccesarily a part of reality?

Can you get ahead if you lack dreams? Can you actually live in hope for something better if you placed no importance on dreams but stuck with the proven example only?


I suppose if you follow a dream and it proves to be a futile attempt at the impossible you still can say you've lived the dream (and I'll always pick that in front of a fact that there is a risk of failure).

Dreams no matter how ineffable they are when placed as a relaistic target need actions ... Aut viam inveniam aut faciam ... i just need a sign ...