Crossroads

Here I am again at the crossroads of this pitiful existence called life. How ironic - for I did everything right, I followed the rules, I was committed, dedicated, goal orientated and where did it get me – nowhere. And still the persistence of this feeling that I should do the right thing yet again is almost unbearable. The crossroads seem to be intercepting deep inside my soul and flowing into paths unknown for I haven’t made the choice yet.

Procrastination can sometimes be as comfy a mothers womb, but the inevitability of the emergence from there is so real and so uncomfortable that it tears every nerve synapse into a new formation with such force that you can almost feel your brain oscillating from the sensation.

I’m enjoying my solitude – it is hypocritical to say but all these sensations make me enjoy the pain in a way that that I have never been able to do so before. My thoughts fly from one side of the scale to the other in a split second but I am not loosing the balance, instead I feel that my innermost self resonates with the universe as one. And why do all these people around me want me to take the path that feels right for them I do not know. I am at the cross-roads – not them – who the hell do they think they are, why does every one have an all knowing perception but me. Am I to repeat all the mistakes of the past in the future – maybe, who knows – I might be some sort of twisted sadomasochistic pain junkie who can’t get enough of it?

Still I will decide my path for I will be the one who has to live with it, me and only me. How real is it? I do not know – the universe is real yet so intangible, why does my path need to be real? What is real anyway? Life, dreams, love, faith – has anyone ever touched those? Even the ones who are convinced they live in reality?

Why on earth do my targets need to be tangible? I have tried tangible – didn’t like it, why should I taste it again – so it leaves some more bitter-sweet taste in my mouth that doesn’t seem to fade?

I don’t agree with this life, not from the perspective that it’s not fair – that is a fact. Life seems like an endless un-winnable struggle for those who chose to go head on. What’s wrong with floating with the waves – that every single other person who is loosing the battle with the current will argue that you’re wrong, that’s about it. Fools – that’s what I call them for I used to be one of them.

History shouldn’t be repeated – even the fools will agree with me on that one – so where to from here? Hell? Heaven? Back at the starting line? If I only knew I will be able to tell you the secrets of life as well, but I feel lost and while it was easy to live like a fool for you had a singular task in life – to survive – this is a nightmare and a pleasant dream at the same time and I am procrastinating for it feels so gratifying to have unlimited number of options and if you could only try each one of those once and come back here to pick again it would be the most fulfilling life anyone has ever lived.


Reality bites in all the wrong places when you haven’t fully considered the consequences of your actions. And how do you consider your choices?

If you knew you had only one day to live – what would you do, who would you spend it with? This by far has to be the best definition on what is actually of paramount importance in one’s life and how you should live your life in order to be happy every day.